So...What have I learned?

When I think back on the last two months I realize that it is impossible to sum up all that I have learned. There have been a couple of themes that have come up such as holiness and trust, which I have learned are very closely related, but I think that one of the neatest things that has happened for me is God showing me what my story looks like as a whole.

Yesterday we had to share with our group what God has done in us over the time that we have been here. While I was doing my morning devotion God showed me two passages that really amazed me in terms of summing up both my life story and my story while I have been at Focus. The first one is from the end of Job. At this point in the story Job has been broken and he responds to the Lord by saying, "I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge? Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know. Hear, and i will speak; I will question you, and you make it known to me. I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you; therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes." Job 42: 2-6. This may seem like an odd passage, but there are a couple of things here that I see in my story. One is that Job has just gotten through a wrestling match of sorts with God. Things have happened that Job does not understand, and though he does not curse God he does loose sight of the fact that God operates in ways that are beyond what we can understand. Because of this when we look at things that "have gone wrong" and immediately wonder where God is or if he has forgotten us we too lose site of this. God orders the operations of the universe and he is ordering our footsteps also. We have nothing to fear. I love this passage because this is where Job comes to a place of humility before the Lord. He comes to the end of his questions and finds that the character of God is greater than them all. Job's humility does not come from this perfect revelation of why things happened the way that they did. His humility comes from God's revelation of his character to Job. His humility comes from knowing God. Job says essentially, "I had heard of you but now I see you." In other words, "before I knew of you, now I know you for myself."

This is both the first part of my life story and the first part of my story at Focus. When I was younger my life felt chaotic and broken; as though nothing could ever make it right again. I remember sensing God's love for me and then telling him that I hated him. My parent's divorce and my grandpa and grandma's deaths happened in quick secession and left me feeling that nothing was stable. In the midst of this struggle God showed himself to me and I found myself instead believing that he was everything. That he was constant and sure, and that he could make things right. Like Job this was a place of brokenness for me. It didn't matter anymore that I didn't understand all that was happening, what mattered was that I was the Lord's and he was bigger than my circumstances. Similarly, when I first got to Focus I found myself humbled in his presence; wrestling with what it meant that he is holy. With God's revelation of what this meant came an understanding of the beauty of his holiness and what it offers me. I have heard about his holiness my whole life but for the first time I was seeing his holiness. I love that at the end of that passage Job says, "I repent in dust and ashes." After wrestling with God, there is always a point where I find myself here, realizing that I am nothing. Asking the question in the psalms of "what is man that you are mindful of him?" Who am I that he is mindful of me? This is such an important place to be, but what amazes me is that God does not leave me there.

The second passage that God showed me is In Isaiah 61. It says, "...To proclaim the year of the Lord's favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion- to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified. They shall build up the ancient ruins; they shall raise up the former devastations; they shall repair the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations." What a beautiful picture of the redemption that God has for us. As Job repents he says that he has been reduced to dust and ashes, but in this passage God takes those ashes and offers us a beautiful headdress declaring that we are his!

This is the other part of my story. One of redemption and beauty where God has taken me and restored me, not to my former self but into a new being completed by him. I stand before him as his beautiful daughter full of wonder and delight in knowing him. There has been a beautiful picture of this restoration in my family as God has rebuilt my parents marriage and our family. He has taken our ashes and replaced them with the legacy of a beautiful marriage that I would be honored to have some day. Only God could do such a thing!

The passage continues by saying that the Lord's work is not finished, but that he will now take what was broken and use it to restore and rebuild. This is the next part of my story. I don't know where God is calling me from here, but I know that he is calling me to restore what is broken. He heals us that we would go and offer healing. He rebuilds us so that we can go and do the same for others. I am eager for his call, and I will go where he asks so that I can do these things!

Thank you to all of you who helped get me to this place. You are absolutely part of this story and there are not words for the blessing that it has allowed in my life. Thank you!